Some insight into my mind..

Alot of things are weighing heavily on my mind right now so where I'm going with all of this might not be a very short writing lol.

First of all my girls had their 11th birthday on Friday. They're growing up so fast and I pray that even with all the bad choices and mistakes I've made in my life that God will work through them and let them shine for him! And that they'll understand and know how much I love and care for them.

Bryar stayed the night with my mom and dad on Friday night while we had a girls sleepover for their birthday. Mom said he was "good as gold" which was great to hear because now I know that even though he can be a little terror when he wants to be, we must be doing something right because he can also be "as good as gold" when he wants to be.

Chris and I never talked much over the weekend, we haven't fought either so I guess it's not all a bad thing to have some quietness but I miss how we used to talk as friends and share that closeness. Part of it is my fault though, I'm so caught up in needing and wanting him to work the debt plan alongside me that I guess I just have this wall up that I won't allow him to go through until he shows me he's trying and is intersted. I have wanted nothing more thatn to have him as my partner in The Total Money Makeover program and to be as excited and intense about it as I have so that not only can we dig our way out of debt but we could share in that joy together and build our relationship up again both emotionally and spiritually.

This debt program has done a number of things to my ways of thinking, but one of the most important things it has done is helped me spiritually! I understand better as to WHY God wants me to be out of debt and what his purpose of my life is, and I want more than anything to fulfill his plans and have then one man I love, Chris, right there beside me not only supporting me but helping to lead me.

He is doing better at showing an interest and is still looking for some part time work to do while we dig our way out of debt, but he also still isn't as intense as I am about this! So should I keep this wall up against him? Probably not but it's so hard for me to swallow my pride and give in. So starting last night, I prayed God would not only help him to come around but to help me take down the barricades I have up against him and give me patience for God's will to be done. I have no other choice, which should've been my first choice, than to put this situation in God's hands and let him take control of it and have faith that God willw ork on his heart and allow him to see why we need this and why we need to work together. I mean this is the man i want to spend the rest of my life with and want to married to so I know that God will on him and me both to make that happen, I just need to have patience and understanding as to why it has to be done when God says, not when I say!

I have also asked God to save Chris. Not that I believe that someone can be saved as a Christian by not asking for themselves but I have asked him to send the Holy Spirit to send a conviction upon him. I know that Chris has often times questioned himself as being a Christian. He was not raised in a Christian home or church and has asked quesitons about Christianity usually after a sermon on the drivehome and maybe he's already asked God for forgiveness and became a Chrisitan??? I honestly don't know and I understand that when you do that it's between you and God but i wish he would be able to share that with me and let me know as the one he loves because I do care and would love to share in that joy with him!

And if he hasn't, I just pray that God will lead him through that and that he'll be able to come to me as his future wife if needed and when he's ready.

All in all I'm happy with my life, my kids, my fiance', my parents, my Christianity. I just want and need financial peace and comfort in knowing that I'm not doing it alone and have someone to work as hard as we need to get there! So that one day we can look back and say "We lived stupid back then, but then we got smart and alongside God to get where we're at now ... LIVING SMART WITH FINANCIAL, PHYSICAL, EMOTIONAL AND SPIRITUAL PEACE!" And to help others gain that kind of peace just as we had help along the way!